Heart of the Island

This is the earth. Where i born and breathe. I can see with both of my dark brown eyes. I can walk with both of my feet. I have two hands to reach things. I have everything perfectly to do many activities.

I love clear blue-green water at this beach, where i lay my head on this wet gritty cold sand. The same atmosphere never goes away. Deep salt smell, air brushing my hairs, wave water, and people enjoy their stay as the dark comes, with intense blend of red and orange, between sky and ocean set the sun drown leaving us to say goodbye. I stand up, sweep away sands from my legs and elbow. I can see some of the sands stain and stay on my light pink dress. Instead of cleaning it, i turn my head when someone clearly stand next to me and call me by my name. I’m quite surprised by his presence. My heart is beating and rushing. Out of mind, he walks me to my hotel. Still can’t believe he found me in this place, place where my grandfather was born. Here where my grandfather used to be a well known governor of the island.

We sit outside my room, bamboo chairs really make my spine hurts but i will not give him a green light to enter my room for a guy that spent less time with me than my bikini line. At least for the first four hours. I don’t have a sick disease called hypocrisy to dishonor myself. Fuck all the plaster saint. That is why everywhere anywhere, honesty is my priority and sex is my need. Four hours is enough to talk. He talks about himself, men like to talk about themselves. Give him a mask than they will tell you the truth. How his relationship went, how chaotic the break up was. His girlfriend blamed him for everything. Abandoned him and left him to his fate. How sad to know how people you love could just leave you alone like that. Well, that’s his problem. I listen to him, and politely give him a friend’s touch on his back, “Don’t worry you’ll be fine..” but we know the truth is the opposite.

To me life is a trick knowledge. You can be happy if you can trick your mind to be happy. You can make high sales by tricking your customers. You pray to make yourself good, actually you’re doing a mind trick to release your limitation and resistance. You can do everything to make your life livable if you have the knowledge, although life seems pretty incomprehensible.  

Seeing someone’s hopes are dash in front of me right now, does reminds me of myself. A feeling of high anxiety and alone which always come and go, never stopped. Somehow we realize nothing we can do to make it right, what we thought could be fixed, used to be broken at the end. That is where we should move on to the next step and left all the memories behind. Make peace to our heart and mind, make peace to our past. To forgive and to forget. Easy to say we forgive and we all know we can never forget. Warming my guard by locking the door of my heart will embrace my life which i still believe should be beautiful not misrable. All of a sudden he touched my knee while i was day dreaming, he asked whether he should do the first option or the second one. I have no idea, I didn’t hear what he was saying for the past fifteen minutes. I looked at him expressionless and absent minded. His face is three inches away from mine, i notice his full soft lips and i start to stare at it..not long enough until his face come closer. His nose pointing on the apple of my cheek, I frown when we kiss, my blood rushing from my veins, lightning comes across my mind when i close my eyes. Hearts beating, this heat weaken my soul. His hands are busy touching my skin intensely. I put my legs up to his lap, so we sit in front of each other. He carries and lifts me down to my bed. He kisses my ear through neck and crawl above me. I could see how hard he managed his toned. Strong arms, beautiful rhythmic hips. His hungry lips are as hungry as mine, i arch my back, we sin without fear.

I open my eyes, dark turns to a clear morning. I know when i wake up this morning i shouldn’t expect the man that i slept with last night was still there on my bed. After i take a shower, a white note at the table catch my eyes. It says ‘ meet me at the beach when you are awake ‘. Ten in the morning, i wasn’t sure if i wanted to sit and talk. However, i accept his invitation.

He sits there shirtless with his black surfer short, and his surfboard stick on the sand. Elbows on his knees, and probably looking at bikiniless girls tanning below the sun. I walk to him and he turns as if he knows i was coming. Waving at me showing his cute white teeth, i wave back and sit. “How was your sleep?” He starts the conversation as usual. “Was great. Did you enjoy last night?” I’m screwed, how can i ask that first. I try to reach my cigarette, seems i left it at the bathroom hotel. He snorts and smiles. Really irritates me as a woman. “What we did last night, was it wrong? Do you think we should act like nothing happened?” Didn’t even answer what i ask, he becomes serious and for some reason, he’s afraid to look into my eyes, his face keeps facing the rolling water, gazing a million thoughts. I feel sick with his questions and early brainstorming makes me  starve. “Let’s do brunch.” I stand up and morely suggest in order to get away from a confidential conversation.

I order a plate of eggs benedict with a glass of orange juice. We take a table outside the restaurant. Fresh air  blowing under my clothes. His wet hair already set to dry. “Have you ever consider of being gay or bisexual?” I almost got choked by the ham i’m chewing. For a second i can’t believe i slept with this guy. “No. Have you ever participated in uncommon sex?.” I ask honestly. He leans towards me finding my questions interesting. “No. You know what, i’m glad we can talk openly like this. I wasn’t able to talk about sex since i caught my ex-girlfriend slept with other man on my place two years ago.” He took a sip of the hard lemonade. Cheated and abandoned, how hard could his life be more worst. I knew him for several years, he’s a sweet and loyal person, not type of guy who would easily leave the one he loved eventhough he knew he was being betrayed. I took a deep breath, “Do you still love her ?” He harrowed, in a reflect touches his temple and saccade.”No…” I know he’s lying.

Every person has their own agenda and they keep their agenda hidden. It’s late night, i step to his hotel room, smells fresh and clean. They have change the bed sheets and vacuum this soft black carpet probably this morning. “So, What makes you come to this island?” Feel relaxed and comfortable, i lay on his bed next to him. He turns on the television, ” You. I always found you that attractive and you have such a great personality. What makes you, come..?” realizing we’re on a same thought, i giggle and point my finger to his chest ” You’re so bad!”. He grins, becomes silent and stares into my eyes, ” I’m sorry, actually i came here to see you.” He continues, “We’ve done so many things back then,” I look away to a mirror on the ceiling knowing where this conversation is going. ” and i was thinking…Can we start over?.” 

I said, no. We express how we feel by words, where bodies mimic the emotion. I couldn’t lie that night. I wasn’t ready for any relationship. I have my own rule : by getting sexual attention, it doesn’t mean you have to commit for a relationship. And it applies to everyone who steps into my life. I wouldn’t risk my happiness for any relationship, not until i’m ready. Doesn’t matter how long i’ve been single, as long as i live my life being happy and not under distress. As long as i’m not wondering if the person i can’t stop thinking about, ever thinks about me. As long as i don’t have to deal with all miscommunications or misunderstandings. In a relationship, i should know how to be responsible of my own feelings from my partner’s attitude. Lie  to make my self feel better, but no one ever knows the main reason behind the lie i made. Cry to let the hatred dissapear. All is too much in one time, that is why i prefer to be single,… and not in a relationship.

This is the island, a place where i was born and breathe. Where i can walk with my bare two feet. Water will wash away my fear, and sand will re-adjust my pain, while story will be memory, and that’s the way the island works for me in my life. Silent and peaceful.

 

Trias Nuriarta

PS: Notice incorrect grammar? i know.. i know..i’ll edit it as soon as i get an editor!

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