It’s three in the morning, Saturday…the end of the week. I was sleeping ten minutes ago, suddenly my eyes were wide open, but I could not move any part of my body. Somehow, I was having a hallucination..a vivid hallucination that’s frightening me. Mix of fact and fantasy.. Simply, it’s worst than a nightmare for about a minute. Still thinking what it was…but the panic attack turn my mood into a lonely feeling. Oh man..not again. I sit on my bed, next to the wall. Wish I have a bottle of red wine standing up next to my bed..sip it till the last drop so I could wake up in the morning feel more wasted than ever. It’s better that way, then dialogue with myself like a crazy bitch. So, what the hell should i do in the middle of between morning and night ?. Dear body, why you have to be so…. I can’t even think a right word at this moment. About the lonely mood..yeap still here! Can’t you just go away…I’m tired of wasting my time, thinking and talking about all negativity here…eventhough I deny you’re a product of emotional breakdown. I know at some point you have to listen to what your heart tells you to..but believe me, I always listen to it..but I never exactly take it to the next level, prolly that’s why I’m still stuck or you..who read this article, still stuck too with whatever reason you do right know..

I’m quite impressed when my heart tells me to shut everything that relates to the feeling I have. Who doesn’t feel lonely? Who doesn’t feel insecure? Who ever not been hurt before? You  realize that it is fair for you to feel this way..but, other people who hurt you, never understood. You feel like these feelings will never go away..even though you desperately wanted them to. Sometimes, I just don’t care and dont want to know what was happening…because the more i think about the problem, the more it will hurt me. It’s like doing yoga..the more you go, the more intense it will be. But most of the time, I do care. Lately..it’s kind of weird. What always got me back on track is by stop caring, and turning off all emotions. I’m questioning – What if I kept doing this and the next thing i know is i dont feel the same anymore? Is this the phase when what we call it, reality? I learn a lot that not all problems can be solved, but once the reality hits you in the face, you will never forget it. I had enough, and basically tired to have that kind of experience again. So, it’s your choice…either suffering by looking the line or suffering by crossing the line? Both have their own consequences.

Trias Nuriarta


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