14th May 2009
Sometimes it’s normal when people don’t know what they want, or what they need before they face the step that we called “making a decision”. But in other time, some people just don’t care of their decision in their life, which make their life seems useless. For me, I want my life to be perfect.
I already finish every single step that people take in education, and now it’s time for me to make my own destiny by making something- which i couldn’t figure out even until this second-. What i’m doing right now is taking a vacation in canada. Before i made my self go here for a few reasons, i hoped that i could tell what i want after i got here. But, everything is still blurry. Everyday, i think…what should i do after i finish this holiday? am i going to work at Jakarta, where they pay their employee just like those beggers at the Dundas street that got 100 dollar for a month? it’s not that i don’t want to live and work there, but for 100 dollar a month, how can i afford my life? My effort is for something more than that! So, i talked to Adit, about moving here. Taking course, like business course or anything, find some part time job, live here happily ever after. But, the more i talked to him, the more my dream become vanished. And that fear…suddenly come to my heart and mind as well. Telling me, i have nothing to hope. Except moving here 6 years later. I hate the feeling of my fear that ruin my main plan. Now, i have no idea what my life could be. For me, this is a new beginning of my life, and i only have about 9 weeks from now.
The fact, i think this in unnormal..this is so strange. People seems exactly know what they want to do. All i know is, i want to do something that i love, that i like..not some stupid job that i do just for living. I want to be free.. i want to be engange and connected with what i do, so i can done it with full passion..not persevering in the face of provocation without becoming annoyed. I can feel how exhausted i am thinking of my life.. I want to run..run…and run to the nearest of bliss and make everything peaceful when everyone pretending that everything is okay. I want to cry..and run my tears out until i feel empty inside..so new things can make me feel better at a time.
So, i guess i have to pick up the pieces and start to figure (again) what the puzzle of my life is going to look like in the end…